Pajamas...a rite of passage?

Luke, my oldest, will be six years old in fourteen days. Fourteen days...what? I can't believe it. First grade is breaking the horizon and I seriously just can't believe it. When he was young...not that six isn't young...maybe around two or so...Jon looked at me and said, "Why don't you just let him wear shorts and a t-shirt for bed? It's just easier." I thought about it for a minute and said, "Pajamas just won't last that long. So, I'm going to put him in cute pajamas as long as possible." He said, "I see that." End of story.
I have had six glorious years of purchasing and putting my kids to bed in the most adorable pajamas. They just look so sweet...maybe even silly, but it tickles me to see them in them.
Then Luke learned how to make his own choices and the summer of 2010 happened.
Our house is warm in the summer. Our A/C is rather old and it just doesn't pump the air even in the mildest of summers...then 10+ days of almost 100 degrees and poof...there went the PJ's. Underwear is the sleepwear of choice...and adamantly at that.
I have gone so far as to "force" the pajamas as a rule for the night because they "might get cold"...by bedtime...Luke is stripped down to his underwear. As Luke's devout follower at the moment...Henry too. I would imagine...once Jonah decides it's time to speak...the first thing he will say is "undawawh...like Lukee." It's sad for me. This is just what boys do? Not sure.
Yet another trivial rite of passage comes and goes...not really sure what I will do for the Christmas card this year...The Barnes Boys in their Christmas Undies? Could be cute?

I wonder...

How my kids know they should all get up at various times in the middle of the night on the one night I have decided to hit the hay early? It’s an amazing phenomenon…

Why my kids wake up at five a.m. on the mornings we have no reason to be awake and sleep in on the days we must be up early. Really? Must it be every.single.time. Talk about amazing phenomenon’s…

How at least one child will have an emergency bowel movement at the least opportune moment…like when there are no bathrooms within miles or when we are in the middle of checking out of the grocery store and the baby is crying….

Why kids think that whining gets them what they want when it never does…

Why I can’t figure out which battles are the best to choose…

Why the pace of time picks up exponentially after you have kids…It’s August already? How did this happen? Luke is going to Kindergarten in a week…arghh..

Why I am always in a rush and have found it increasingly harder to enjoy the little moments…

What the plan is…

How my kids know when to give me a kiss at just the right moment to lift my ragged spirit…

How they know the exact time I need to hear “I love you Mommy” to make all the wonderings go away…

Ecclesiastes 11:3 - 5 When the clouds are full of water, it rains. When the wind blows down a tree, it lies where it falls. Don't sit there watching the wind. Do your own work. Don't stare at the clouds. Get on with your life. Just as you'll never understand the mystery of life forming in a pregnant woman, So you'll never understand the mystery at work in all that God does.

Come Back Please...

Come back please.
No.
Come back now.
I don’t want to…I want to go with them.
I know but…
Please let me go with them…

He was desperate…he turned his back to me and continued to make his way down the middle of the creek to play with the “big kids”. He teetered and tottered over the slick rocks…he slipped a few times but stood up…I winced…he looked back at me and smiled…I tried again…

Luke! Luke! Come back…
Mommy, stop calling me…I want to go…

I turned around and let him go. With the baby in my arms I slowly walked back to the group…everyone was talking and laughing only few yards away from the creek where the kids played. They were clueless as to what just happened to me. For a moment, everything around me got quiet and I could hear Luke’s isolated laugh…the thrill of going alone and enjoying the acceptance of the older children.

I felt a touch bewildered. I looked at my friend and said, “I just had a ‘moment’. Luke just turned 5 in his heart…I can feel it. I don’t think I am ready for this…” I went through our moments in my head with Luke as a toddler and since about the age of 2…he’s been scared of pretty much anything that was new to him…the ocean, the train ride, loud noises, new class rooms…

I was not used to this fearlessness…

For a moment, I thought…I want him to be afraid. I don’t want him to do this…God…this is entirely too scary for me. What if something happens to him…what if he breaks his head open…what if, what if, what if…

In a matter of days we went from the mountains to the beach…

As I watched my sister teach Luke how to body surf…I didn’t think much of it. He loves the beach…but doesn’t really love the water. Until now. The body surfing turned into boogie boarding…which led to this conversation:

You need to come back...closer to our area.
No mommy. I want to stay here.
I get that, but you need to come closer so we can see you.
Mommy! [picture total five year old exasperation] …the waves are bigger over here.
Luke…you need to come with me over here. The tide is very strong.
What’s a tide?
It’s what could potentially take you out to sea if you don’t come with me.
[Blink, Blink]
I just want to go where the big waves are.

I just stared at him…who are you? Are you five or twelve? Don’t do this to me…God! Help me….I’m scared for him. Please just come play in the sand, eat seashells with Jonah…whatever, but not this dangerous stuff because…what if…

I led him back to our towels, told him the ground rules and let him go…
I watched him like a hawk from a distance.
He got tossed about a little…
When he swallowed some salt water I gave him juice.
I doused him with sunscreen so he would not get burned.
I gave him a snack when he was hungry.
I took him home when he was tired.

I did what I am supposed to do…but it was hard. I do not want to be a “helicopter mom”…I want my kids to experience life in a huge way without directing their every move and picking them up every time they fall.

I thought this would be easier because it’s the type of parent I want to be…I never thought it would be this difficult to experience the small moments of detachment. Even though it’s slow…and I have a lot of years left with him…it’s painful. I thought about the future…what if he wants to join the military? Backpack across Europe alone? Climb Mount Everest?

Will I stand there and cry…probably. Will I tell him not to go? No. I realized that these moments are about preparing him to lead an interesting, fulfilling life without fear. But they are also about slowly preparing me to let go of the fear of letting go to one of the things that has brought me more joy then I would have ever imagined…

So…happy birthday Luke! I pray that your life is full of unending joy and great adventures…you are clearly off to a good start! Enjoy!

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. – 2 Timothy 1:7

Out of the Valley...

I got tickled and thought that this must be what it is like to live in a commune. All of us…laid out in an empty bedroom…sometimes I really wonder how my kids get through the night when I see how they contort their bodies in their sleep…

I totally scored…had the entire air mattress to myself. Blinking…the light in the bathroom was on and in my face…it must have been about 4:30 am. It was raining. Jon was between the kids with a rather small blue and white striped towel over him. Not really sure how that happened…where is his blanket?

Luke untwisted then opened his eyes and blinked at me. As usual, he started with in a loud whisper…”Mommy, I had a dream…” He rambled on about Sassy’s and the red and white “punch buggies”. Then he snuggled in and said, “Mommy, can we do this again someday?”

There we were in the mountains of North Carolina in a house that had no furniture because it’s usually rented out. It had no TV…no DVD…no Computer. If you can believe, without all of that, we had one of the greatest weekends of our lives! I have fond memories of this house and have always envisioned my kids running through the front yard, playing in the creek, shirts off…not a care in the world. That vision was realized July 4th weekend…and what an adventure it was for three little boys…

…parades, candy, hot dogs, worms, smores, fire pit, creek, flags, slugs, butterflies, horses, water balloons, sleeping bags, smoke bombs, fireworks, sparklers, watermelon…

…really.good.time.

What is it about the mountains? When I drive up through the hills getting glimpses of the mountain ranges…I almost get anxious. When I arrive, I immediately feel rejuvenated, like I am somehow closer to God and have, once again, escaped the grasp of life in the valley…everything just seems better…the water, the air, the people…

It’s the beauty though that always takes my breath away. No matter where I turn…it’s there…the beauty is what we are made for, it’s what speaks to us, it’s what makes us know that God exists and he’s got an amazing talent…how did He even come up with this stuff…the mist coming off the babbling brook as the sun rises…

“You will live in joy and peace. The mountains and hills will burst into song, and the trees of the field will clap their hands! Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow. Where nettles grew, myrtles will sprout up. These events will bring great honor to the Lord’s name; they will be an everlasting sign of his power and love.” Isaiah 55: 12 & 13

Liberate yourself...

I recently went to see John Rosemond speak…I have read a few of his books about parenting and, I have to admit, I drunk the Kool-Aid when it comes to his philosophy on raising kids using more traditional discipline “methods”. I say, “methods” because I don’t recall him speaking about specific techniques like, time out or some fancy shmancy something or other that supposedly works. He really just drew from the past and his experiences…

The one thing he emphasized that hit me straight in the heart was a comment about how women have changed over the last 50 years. I’m not sure this is an exact quote, but it was something like this, “Woman have lost their identity [in their children] and reduced themselves to a two dimensional person. LIBERATE YOURSELF!”. He went on to talk about how woman these days talk about nothing but their children in an obsessive fashion, that the marriage has become about the kids and not each other, that it’s ok to tell your kids “no”…or “go and play by yourself”…or “because I said so”.

I don’t know much, but I do know this...I have never felt more liberated from the guilt I feel about my children when I left the auditorium. I adore my kids…I think that’s a given. But I was consumed by guilt all the time…for working, because they were in daycare, for leaving them for 2 hours or, God forbid, a weekend. Every night I would say to Jon, “We really, need to spend more time with the kids…”

When we went to London 2 years ago…I literally sulked my way through five days because I just wanted them to be there or just to be home. We had a good time…but I didn’t truly enjoy it in my heart…I was consumed by guilt for leaving them. I was afraid something would happen to them as if the people caring for them (their grandparents) weren’t capable. I felt like they would hate me for leaving them. I literally thought, “How can I be enjoying this when they are home missing me so much. I’m such a horrible mother.” And Poor Jon…probably wasn’t that great hearing me question my motherhood…not giving a second thought to my marriage.

So back to the new me…

Recently, we took a trip to Savannah and the kids stayed home. We had a wonderful time…because the guilt monster had been cast away. I thought about the boys…I called to see how they were doing once a day…I bought them presents…but I didn’t worry about them missing me. I enjoyed the moment. Jon and I just enjoyed the rare time together…ate, stayed out late, played darts, drank…SLEPT as late as possible (first time in a long, long time).

When we got back they were literally having the TIME OF THEIR LIVES…I thought I would at least get greeted with a hug…instead I got a wave and a “Hey Mommy.” Was I sad…no, I was happy that they were comfortable to be without us because independence of us is really the ultimate goal.

I want my kids to view me as interesting and passionate about life. I want them to feel secure in our home because Jon and I are secure in our marriage. Going on a trip and being sad the whole time…doesn’t do all that much in the marriage department. Making our kids the focus of our lives, does nothing for our marriage. Our life should not revolve around them, they revolve around us…

I get that this is not how everyone feels and I know that his books may not be for every child…but for me, it’s been fantastic…I feel like I found a weird sort of freedom…not only with the guilt, but how to discipline as well.

At the seminar…he gave his “Bill of Rights for Children”…I will leave you with four of them:

1. Children have the right to find out early in their lives that their parents don’t exist to make them happy, but to offer them the opportunity to learn the skills they will need to eventually make themselves happy.
2. Children have the right to learn early in their lives that obedience to legitimate authority is not optional, that there are consequences for disobedience, and those said consequences are memorable and, therefore, persuasive.
3. Children have the right to learn to be grateful for what they receive, therefore, they have the right to receive all of what they truly need and very little of what they simply want.
4. Because it’s the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, children have the right to hear their parents say “Because I said so” on a regular basis.

Enjoy life and liberate yourself!

The First Cap and Gown....

Uh-oh…it’s on! Luke graduated from preschool yesterday with a full on graduation commencement at his daycare (moving tassels over and all)! It really was so sweet. I was taken back to the “pre-kid Dawn” when I said to myself and aloud, “Those little kids graduations are so stupid and a waste of time. I mean, why does a 4 year old need a cap and gown and all that nonsense? My kids will NEVER participate in that ridiculous ceremony.” Then there I found myself in the church pew with my face hurting. I had a huge indestructible perma-smile…literally my face was pained from smiling. I could not take my eyes off my first born donned in a white cap and gown carrying a rose and making a bee-line in my direction. I bear hugged him and told him how proud I was of him…he promptly warned me about the water container attached to the bottom of the rose and told me not to spill it and then he moved on down the aisle to get on stage. He looked so big! How could this have happened right under my nose? I felt as if he would be leaving for college the next day. The reality is that I have 13 more years with this kid! But still, it was a milestone. It made me happy and sad in all the same moment. It made me want to stop time. It made me “get it” when people say, “I wish my kids were still little so I could pick them up and give them bear hugs and feel them cuddle really close.” Wow. It really all does go by so quick…Congrats to Luke. "Kindergarten Here we Come!"

Happy Heart

My son Henry is getting ready to turn three in a few weeks. Someone told me recently that your children’s personalities at a young age are pretty much the same as they mature…this news made me smile a deep happy smile when I mentally mulled over my kids personalities. We are blessed in this way. When my thoughts turned to Henry as an adult…I laughed out loud. I would describe him as clever, tenderhearted, wily, reasonable and just plain fun. Luke doubles over in laughter at Henry’s antics often and Jonah literally beams when he walks in the room. He has shiny eyes and a joyful countenance. A lot of people react to Henry with a smile…it’s like he carries a fist full of giggle dust and he tosses it carelessly through as he races past everyone in his path. Now, I’m not stupid enough to think he’s perfect…trust me. Before dinner a few evenings ago...Jon had asked the boys to clean up the “green room” before they ate. Then Jon promptly left for the store leaving me to supervise the cleaning. Oh Joy! Turns out I didn’t need to supervise, because I have Luke to do it for me. This is nothing new…I have secretly watched the boys “cleaning” their playroom in the past and basically, Luke cleans and Henry lounges around on the couch watching Luke clean. At times, Henry even taunts Luke. He completely ignores Luke’s pleas for help and usually takes out the same toy that Luke just so dutifully put away. Before long, I heard the very expected scream from the playroom, “Mommmmyyyy! Henry is not helping me ccleeeaaan.” “Well what is he doing?” I asked. “He’s on the couch smiling right at me!” I walked in and Henry was hanging upside down on the couch with his feet up against the wall…laughing. I promptly sent him to his room. About 20 minutes later he was allowed to come back down and eat dinner alone. He stared at me smiling. Still in “mommy mode” I said tersely, “Please eat.” He quietly said, “Mommy…you my friend.” I wanted to bust outta “I’m not your friend, I’m your mother. Please eat.” But I didn’t. I amused him. Again, “Mommy, you my friend.” I figured he was manipulating me for the cookie that had already been taken away as part of the “lounging while Luke cleans incident”. I was not about to give in. Instead, I said, “I’m your friend? Why’s that?” He looked like he would burst. “Because my heart is happy.” (What?) “My heart is sssooooooooo happy.” No mention of the cookie, no mention of the punishment just a few minutes before…just a huge heart busting smile. Henry has the happiest heart…he literally helps spread Joy in the world and I love that about him.
A happy heart makes the face cheerful…(Proverbs 15:13)