Come Back Please...

Come back please.
No.
Come back now.
I don’t want to…I want to go with them.
I know but…
Please let me go with them…

He was desperate…he turned his back to me and continued to make his way down the middle of the creek to play with the “big kids”. He teetered and tottered over the slick rocks…he slipped a few times but stood up…I winced…he looked back at me and smiled…I tried again…

Luke! Luke! Come back…
Mommy, stop calling me…I want to go…

I turned around and let him go. With the baby in my arms I slowly walked back to the group…everyone was talking and laughing only few yards away from the creek where the kids played. They were clueless as to what just happened to me. For a moment, everything around me got quiet and I could hear Luke’s isolated laugh…the thrill of going alone and enjoying the acceptance of the older children.

I felt a touch bewildered. I looked at my friend and said, “I just had a ‘moment’. Luke just turned 5 in his heart…I can feel it. I don’t think I am ready for this…” I went through our moments in my head with Luke as a toddler and since about the age of 2…he’s been scared of pretty much anything that was new to him…the ocean, the train ride, loud noises, new class rooms…

I was not used to this fearlessness…

For a moment, I thought…I want him to be afraid. I don’t want him to do this…God…this is entirely too scary for me. What if something happens to him…what if he breaks his head open…what if, what if, what if…

In a matter of days we went from the mountains to the beach…

As I watched my sister teach Luke how to body surf…I didn’t think much of it. He loves the beach…but doesn’t really love the water. Until now. The body surfing turned into boogie boarding…which led to this conversation:

You need to come back...closer to our area.
No mommy. I want to stay here.
I get that, but you need to come closer so we can see you.
Mommy! [picture total five year old exasperation] …the waves are bigger over here.
Luke…you need to come with me over here. The tide is very strong.
What’s a tide?
It’s what could potentially take you out to sea if you don’t come with me.
[Blink, Blink]
I just want to go where the big waves are.

I just stared at him…who are you? Are you five or twelve? Don’t do this to me…God! Help me….I’m scared for him. Please just come play in the sand, eat seashells with Jonah…whatever, but not this dangerous stuff because…what if…

I led him back to our towels, told him the ground rules and let him go…
I watched him like a hawk from a distance.
He got tossed about a little…
When he swallowed some salt water I gave him juice.
I doused him with sunscreen so he would not get burned.
I gave him a snack when he was hungry.
I took him home when he was tired.

I did what I am supposed to do…but it was hard. I do not want to be a “helicopter mom”…I want my kids to experience life in a huge way without directing their every move and picking them up every time they fall.

I thought this would be easier because it’s the type of parent I want to be…I never thought it would be this difficult to experience the small moments of detachment. Even though it’s slow…and I have a lot of years left with him…it’s painful. I thought about the future…what if he wants to join the military? Backpack across Europe alone? Climb Mount Everest?

Will I stand there and cry…probably. Will I tell him not to go? No. I realized that these moments are about preparing him to lead an interesting, fulfilling life without fear. But they are also about slowly preparing me to let go of the fear of letting go to one of the things that has brought me more joy then I would have ever imagined…

So…happy birthday Luke! I pray that your life is full of unending joy and great adventures…you are clearly off to a good start! Enjoy!

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. – 2 Timothy 1:7

Out of the Valley...

I got tickled and thought that this must be what it is like to live in a commune. All of us…laid out in an empty bedroom…sometimes I really wonder how my kids get through the night when I see how they contort their bodies in their sleep…

I totally scored…had the entire air mattress to myself. Blinking…the light in the bathroom was on and in my face…it must have been about 4:30 am. It was raining. Jon was between the kids with a rather small blue and white striped towel over him. Not really sure how that happened…where is his blanket?

Luke untwisted then opened his eyes and blinked at me. As usual, he started with in a loud whisper…”Mommy, I had a dream…” He rambled on about Sassy’s and the red and white “punch buggies”. Then he snuggled in and said, “Mommy, can we do this again someday?”

There we were in the mountains of North Carolina in a house that had no furniture because it’s usually rented out. It had no TV…no DVD…no Computer. If you can believe, without all of that, we had one of the greatest weekends of our lives! I have fond memories of this house and have always envisioned my kids running through the front yard, playing in the creek, shirts off…not a care in the world. That vision was realized July 4th weekend…and what an adventure it was for three little boys…

…parades, candy, hot dogs, worms, smores, fire pit, creek, flags, slugs, butterflies, horses, water balloons, sleeping bags, smoke bombs, fireworks, sparklers, watermelon…

…really.good.time.

What is it about the mountains? When I drive up through the hills getting glimpses of the mountain ranges…I almost get anxious. When I arrive, I immediately feel rejuvenated, like I am somehow closer to God and have, once again, escaped the grasp of life in the valley…everything just seems better…the water, the air, the people…

It’s the beauty though that always takes my breath away. No matter where I turn…it’s there…the beauty is what we are made for, it’s what speaks to us, it’s what makes us know that God exists and he’s got an amazing talent…how did He even come up with this stuff…the mist coming off the babbling brook as the sun rises…

“You will live in joy and peace. The mountains and hills will burst into song, and the trees of the field will clap their hands! Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow. Where nettles grew, myrtles will sprout up. These events will bring great honor to the Lord’s name; they will be an everlasting sign of his power and love.” Isaiah 55: 12 & 13

Liberate yourself...

I recently went to see John Rosemond speak…I have read a few of his books about parenting and, I have to admit, I drunk the Kool-Aid when it comes to his philosophy on raising kids using more traditional discipline “methods”. I say, “methods” because I don’t recall him speaking about specific techniques like, time out or some fancy shmancy something or other that supposedly works. He really just drew from the past and his experiences…

The one thing he emphasized that hit me straight in the heart was a comment about how women have changed over the last 50 years. I’m not sure this is an exact quote, but it was something like this, “Woman have lost their identity [in their children] and reduced themselves to a two dimensional person. LIBERATE YOURSELF!”. He went on to talk about how woman these days talk about nothing but their children in an obsessive fashion, that the marriage has become about the kids and not each other, that it’s ok to tell your kids “no”…or “go and play by yourself”…or “because I said so”.

I don’t know much, but I do know this...I have never felt more liberated from the guilt I feel about my children when I left the auditorium. I adore my kids…I think that’s a given. But I was consumed by guilt all the time…for working, because they were in daycare, for leaving them for 2 hours or, God forbid, a weekend. Every night I would say to Jon, “We really, need to spend more time with the kids…”

When we went to London 2 years ago…I literally sulked my way through five days because I just wanted them to be there or just to be home. We had a good time…but I didn’t truly enjoy it in my heart…I was consumed by guilt for leaving them. I was afraid something would happen to them as if the people caring for them (their grandparents) weren’t capable. I felt like they would hate me for leaving them. I literally thought, “How can I be enjoying this when they are home missing me so much. I’m such a horrible mother.” And Poor Jon…probably wasn’t that great hearing me question my motherhood…not giving a second thought to my marriage.

So back to the new me…

Recently, we took a trip to Savannah and the kids stayed home. We had a wonderful time…because the guilt monster had been cast away. I thought about the boys…I called to see how they were doing once a day…I bought them presents…but I didn’t worry about them missing me. I enjoyed the moment. Jon and I just enjoyed the rare time together…ate, stayed out late, played darts, drank…SLEPT as late as possible (first time in a long, long time).

When we got back they were literally having the TIME OF THEIR LIVES…I thought I would at least get greeted with a hug…instead I got a wave and a “Hey Mommy.” Was I sad…no, I was happy that they were comfortable to be without us because independence of us is really the ultimate goal.

I want my kids to view me as interesting and passionate about life. I want them to feel secure in our home because Jon and I are secure in our marriage. Going on a trip and being sad the whole time…doesn’t do all that much in the marriage department. Making our kids the focus of our lives, does nothing for our marriage. Our life should not revolve around them, they revolve around us…

I get that this is not how everyone feels and I know that his books may not be for every child…but for me, it’s been fantastic…I feel like I found a weird sort of freedom…not only with the guilt, but how to discipline as well.

At the seminar…he gave his “Bill of Rights for Children”…I will leave you with four of them:

1. Children have the right to find out early in their lives that their parents don’t exist to make them happy, but to offer them the opportunity to learn the skills they will need to eventually make themselves happy.
2. Children have the right to learn early in their lives that obedience to legitimate authority is not optional, that there are consequences for disobedience, and those said consequences are memorable and, therefore, persuasive.
3. Children have the right to learn to be grateful for what they receive, therefore, they have the right to receive all of what they truly need and very little of what they simply want.
4. Because it’s the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, children have the right to hear their parents say “Because I said so” on a regular basis.

Enjoy life and liberate yourself!