I wonder...

How my kids know they should all get up at various times in the middle of the night on the one night I have decided to hit the hay early? It’s an amazing phenomenon…

Why my kids wake up at five a.m. on the mornings we have no reason to be awake and sleep in on the days we must be up early. Really? Must it be every.single.time. Talk about amazing phenomenon’s…

How at least one child will have an emergency bowel movement at the least opportune moment…like when there are no bathrooms within miles or when we are in the middle of checking out of the grocery store and the baby is crying….

Why kids think that whining gets them what they want when it never does…

Why I can’t figure out which battles are the best to choose…

Why the pace of time picks up exponentially after you have kids…It’s August already? How did this happen? Luke is going to Kindergarten in a week…arghh..

Why I am always in a rush and have found it increasingly harder to enjoy the little moments…

What the plan is…

How my kids know when to give me a kiss at just the right moment to lift my ragged spirit…

How they know the exact time I need to hear “I love you Mommy” to make all the wonderings go away…

Ecclesiastes 11:3 - 5 When the clouds are full of water, it rains. When the wind blows down a tree, it lies where it falls. Don't sit there watching the wind. Do your own work. Don't stare at the clouds. Get on with your life. Just as you'll never understand the mystery of life forming in a pregnant woman, So you'll never understand the mystery at work in all that God does.

Come Back Please...

Come back please.
No.
Come back now.
I don’t want to…I want to go with them.
I know but…
Please let me go with them…

He was desperate…he turned his back to me and continued to make his way down the middle of the creek to play with the “big kids”. He teetered and tottered over the slick rocks…he slipped a few times but stood up…I winced…he looked back at me and smiled…I tried again…

Luke! Luke! Come back…
Mommy, stop calling me…I want to go…

I turned around and let him go. With the baby in my arms I slowly walked back to the group…everyone was talking and laughing only few yards away from the creek where the kids played. They were clueless as to what just happened to me. For a moment, everything around me got quiet and I could hear Luke’s isolated laugh…the thrill of going alone and enjoying the acceptance of the older children.

I felt a touch bewildered. I looked at my friend and said, “I just had a ‘moment’. Luke just turned 5 in his heart…I can feel it. I don’t think I am ready for this…” I went through our moments in my head with Luke as a toddler and since about the age of 2…he’s been scared of pretty much anything that was new to him…the ocean, the train ride, loud noises, new class rooms…

I was not used to this fearlessness…

For a moment, I thought…I want him to be afraid. I don’t want him to do this…God…this is entirely too scary for me. What if something happens to him…what if he breaks his head open…what if, what if, what if…

In a matter of days we went from the mountains to the beach…

As I watched my sister teach Luke how to body surf…I didn’t think much of it. He loves the beach…but doesn’t really love the water. Until now. The body surfing turned into boogie boarding…which led to this conversation:

You need to come back...closer to our area.
No mommy. I want to stay here.
I get that, but you need to come closer so we can see you.
Mommy! [picture total five year old exasperation] …the waves are bigger over here.
Luke…you need to come with me over here. The tide is very strong.
What’s a tide?
It’s what could potentially take you out to sea if you don’t come with me.
[Blink, Blink]
I just want to go where the big waves are.

I just stared at him…who are you? Are you five or twelve? Don’t do this to me…God! Help me….I’m scared for him. Please just come play in the sand, eat seashells with Jonah…whatever, but not this dangerous stuff because…what if…

I led him back to our towels, told him the ground rules and let him go…
I watched him like a hawk from a distance.
He got tossed about a little…
When he swallowed some salt water I gave him juice.
I doused him with sunscreen so he would not get burned.
I gave him a snack when he was hungry.
I took him home when he was tired.

I did what I am supposed to do…but it was hard. I do not want to be a “helicopter mom”…I want my kids to experience life in a huge way without directing their every move and picking them up every time they fall.

I thought this would be easier because it’s the type of parent I want to be…I never thought it would be this difficult to experience the small moments of detachment. Even though it’s slow…and I have a lot of years left with him…it’s painful. I thought about the future…what if he wants to join the military? Backpack across Europe alone? Climb Mount Everest?

Will I stand there and cry…probably. Will I tell him not to go? No. I realized that these moments are about preparing him to lead an interesting, fulfilling life without fear. But they are also about slowly preparing me to let go of the fear of letting go to one of the things that has brought me more joy then I would have ever imagined…

So…happy birthday Luke! I pray that your life is full of unending joy and great adventures…you are clearly off to a good start! Enjoy!

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. – 2 Timothy 1:7

Out of the Valley...

I got tickled and thought that this must be what it is like to live in a commune. All of us…laid out in an empty bedroom…sometimes I really wonder how my kids get through the night when I see how they contort their bodies in their sleep…

I totally scored…had the entire air mattress to myself. Blinking…the light in the bathroom was on and in my face…it must have been about 4:30 am. It was raining. Jon was between the kids with a rather small blue and white striped towel over him. Not really sure how that happened…where is his blanket?

Luke untwisted then opened his eyes and blinked at me. As usual, he started with in a loud whisper…”Mommy, I had a dream…” He rambled on about Sassy’s and the red and white “punch buggies”. Then he snuggled in and said, “Mommy, can we do this again someday?”

There we were in the mountains of North Carolina in a house that had no furniture because it’s usually rented out. It had no TV…no DVD…no Computer. If you can believe, without all of that, we had one of the greatest weekends of our lives! I have fond memories of this house and have always envisioned my kids running through the front yard, playing in the creek, shirts off…not a care in the world. That vision was realized July 4th weekend…and what an adventure it was for three little boys…

…parades, candy, hot dogs, worms, smores, fire pit, creek, flags, slugs, butterflies, horses, water balloons, sleeping bags, smoke bombs, fireworks, sparklers, watermelon…

…really.good.time.

What is it about the mountains? When I drive up through the hills getting glimpses of the mountain ranges…I almost get anxious. When I arrive, I immediately feel rejuvenated, like I am somehow closer to God and have, once again, escaped the grasp of life in the valley…everything just seems better…the water, the air, the people…

It’s the beauty though that always takes my breath away. No matter where I turn…it’s there…the beauty is what we are made for, it’s what speaks to us, it’s what makes us know that God exists and he’s got an amazing talent…how did He even come up with this stuff…the mist coming off the babbling brook as the sun rises…

“You will live in joy and peace. The mountains and hills will burst into song, and the trees of the field will clap their hands! Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow. Where nettles grew, myrtles will sprout up. These events will bring great honor to the Lord’s name; they will be an everlasting sign of his power and love.” Isaiah 55: 12 & 13

Liberate yourself...

I recently went to see John Rosemond speak…I have read a few of his books about parenting and, I have to admit, I drunk the Kool-Aid when it comes to his philosophy on raising kids using more traditional discipline “methods”. I say, “methods” because I don’t recall him speaking about specific techniques like, time out or some fancy shmancy something or other that supposedly works. He really just drew from the past and his experiences…

The one thing he emphasized that hit me straight in the heart was a comment about how women have changed over the last 50 years. I’m not sure this is an exact quote, but it was something like this, “Woman have lost their identity [in their children] and reduced themselves to a two dimensional person. LIBERATE YOURSELF!”. He went on to talk about how woman these days talk about nothing but their children in an obsessive fashion, that the marriage has become about the kids and not each other, that it’s ok to tell your kids “no”…or “go and play by yourself”…or “because I said so”.

I don’t know much, but I do know this...I have never felt more liberated from the guilt I feel about my children when I left the auditorium. I adore my kids…I think that’s a given. But I was consumed by guilt all the time…for working, because they were in daycare, for leaving them for 2 hours or, God forbid, a weekend. Every night I would say to Jon, “We really, need to spend more time with the kids…”

When we went to London 2 years ago…I literally sulked my way through five days because I just wanted them to be there or just to be home. We had a good time…but I didn’t truly enjoy it in my heart…I was consumed by guilt for leaving them. I was afraid something would happen to them as if the people caring for them (their grandparents) weren’t capable. I felt like they would hate me for leaving them. I literally thought, “How can I be enjoying this when they are home missing me so much. I’m such a horrible mother.” And Poor Jon…probably wasn’t that great hearing me question my motherhood…not giving a second thought to my marriage.

So back to the new me…

Recently, we took a trip to Savannah and the kids stayed home. We had a wonderful time…because the guilt monster had been cast away. I thought about the boys…I called to see how they were doing once a day…I bought them presents…but I didn’t worry about them missing me. I enjoyed the moment. Jon and I just enjoyed the rare time together…ate, stayed out late, played darts, drank…SLEPT as late as possible (first time in a long, long time).

When we got back they were literally having the TIME OF THEIR LIVES…I thought I would at least get greeted with a hug…instead I got a wave and a “Hey Mommy.” Was I sad…no, I was happy that they were comfortable to be without us because independence of us is really the ultimate goal.

I want my kids to view me as interesting and passionate about life. I want them to feel secure in our home because Jon and I are secure in our marriage. Going on a trip and being sad the whole time…doesn’t do all that much in the marriage department. Making our kids the focus of our lives, does nothing for our marriage. Our life should not revolve around them, they revolve around us…

I get that this is not how everyone feels and I know that his books may not be for every child…but for me, it’s been fantastic…I feel like I found a weird sort of freedom…not only with the guilt, but how to discipline as well.

At the seminar…he gave his “Bill of Rights for Children”…I will leave you with four of them:

1. Children have the right to find out early in their lives that their parents don’t exist to make them happy, but to offer them the opportunity to learn the skills they will need to eventually make themselves happy.
2. Children have the right to learn early in their lives that obedience to legitimate authority is not optional, that there are consequences for disobedience, and those said consequences are memorable and, therefore, persuasive.
3. Children have the right to learn to be grateful for what they receive, therefore, they have the right to receive all of what they truly need and very little of what they simply want.
4. Because it’s the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, children have the right to hear their parents say “Because I said so” on a regular basis.

Enjoy life and liberate yourself!

The First Cap and Gown....

Uh-oh…it’s on! Luke graduated from preschool yesterday with a full on graduation commencement at his daycare (moving tassels over and all)! It really was so sweet. I was taken back to the “pre-kid Dawn” when I said to myself and aloud, “Those little kids graduations are so stupid and a waste of time. I mean, why does a 4 year old need a cap and gown and all that nonsense? My kids will NEVER participate in that ridiculous ceremony.” Then there I found myself in the church pew with my face hurting. I had a huge indestructible perma-smile…literally my face was pained from smiling. I could not take my eyes off my first born donned in a white cap and gown carrying a rose and making a bee-line in my direction. I bear hugged him and told him how proud I was of him…he promptly warned me about the water container attached to the bottom of the rose and told me not to spill it and then he moved on down the aisle to get on stage. He looked so big! How could this have happened right under my nose? I felt as if he would be leaving for college the next day. The reality is that I have 13 more years with this kid! But still, it was a milestone. It made me happy and sad in all the same moment. It made me want to stop time. It made me “get it” when people say, “I wish my kids were still little so I could pick them up and give them bear hugs and feel them cuddle really close.” Wow. It really all does go by so quick…Congrats to Luke. "Kindergarten Here we Come!"

Happy Heart

My son Henry is getting ready to turn three in a few weeks. Someone told me recently that your children’s personalities at a young age are pretty much the same as they mature…this news made me smile a deep happy smile when I mentally mulled over my kids personalities. We are blessed in this way. When my thoughts turned to Henry as an adult…I laughed out loud. I would describe him as clever, tenderhearted, wily, reasonable and just plain fun. Luke doubles over in laughter at Henry’s antics often and Jonah literally beams when he walks in the room. He has shiny eyes and a joyful countenance. A lot of people react to Henry with a smile…it’s like he carries a fist full of giggle dust and he tosses it carelessly through as he races past everyone in his path. Now, I’m not stupid enough to think he’s perfect…trust me. Before dinner a few evenings ago...Jon had asked the boys to clean up the “green room” before they ate. Then Jon promptly left for the store leaving me to supervise the cleaning. Oh Joy! Turns out I didn’t need to supervise, because I have Luke to do it for me. This is nothing new…I have secretly watched the boys “cleaning” their playroom in the past and basically, Luke cleans and Henry lounges around on the couch watching Luke clean. At times, Henry even taunts Luke. He completely ignores Luke’s pleas for help and usually takes out the same toy that Luke just so dutifully put away. Before long, I heard the very expected scream from the playroom, “Mommmmyyyy! Henry is not helping me ccleeeaaan.” “Well what is he doing?” I asked. “He’s on the couch smiling right at me!” I walked in and Henry was hanging upside down on the couch with his feet up against the wall…laughing. I promptly sent him to his room. About 20 minutes later he was allowed to come back down and eat dinner alone. He stared at me smiling. Still in “mommy mode” I said tersely, “Please eat.” He quietly said, “Mommy…you my friend.” I wanted to bust outta “I’m not your friend, I’m your mother. Please eat.” But I didn’t. I amused him. Again, “Mommy, you my friend.” I figured he was manipulating me for the cookie that had already been taken away as part of the “lounging while Luke cleans incident”. I was not about to give in. Instead, I said, “I’m your friend? Why’s that?” He looked like he would burst. “Because my heart is happy.” (What?) “My heart is sssooooooooo happy.” No mention of the cookie, no mention of the punishment just a few minutes before…just a huge heart busting smile. Henry has the happiest heart…he literally helps spread Joy in the world and I love that about him.
A happy heart makes the face cheerful…(Proverbs 15:13)

When I Grow Up

After many, many efforts to go back to sleep at 4:00 am…after hitting snooze no less then 5 times…after coming up with every excuse on why it would not be in my best interest to get out of bed and workout this morning….45 minutes had passed on a wasted conversation with myself. I completely guilted myself into it…I was WIDE awake and have no idea why it’s so difficult to just freaking get out of bed! I got myself together and headed down for my meeting with Jillian Michael’s. Right as the video was starting, I could hear the click of a door and knew instantly who was standing at the top of the steps curious about the noise coming from downstairs…I was sure it spooked him. He came down ever so cautiously until he saw my face and then he beamed! Doesn’t it make your heart melt when your child is so happy to see you? Now that I think about it he was probably just overjoyed that I wasn’t the Boogie Monster. It was Luke…after a series of very confused questions about why I was up this early and exactly what I was doing…I gave him the option of watching TV with his dad upstairs or he could stay down with me. I was desperately hoping he would pick the Mickey Mouse Club over me since I hate for people to watch me exercise…true to form…he decided to observe. He laid on his beanbag and I put a blanket over him and proceeded to sweat my way through another workout. Then it happened…Luke went from my sweet son to something along the lines of Personal Trainer/Tyrant. He corrected the form of my push-ups, told me my back was curved while doing bicep curls, told me I was supposed to do 5 jumping jacks not just 4….it went on and on. It was so on my nerves. “Go…to…the….kitchen…..and….get…some….grapes...” I said, GASPING! He came back…he sat again, eating grapes, noting my errors aloud. Then said, “Mommy…when I grow up and become big and can go out for a walk by myself and when I’m walking is that when I will find my wife?” Not sure if Luke was inspired by the scantily clad women in the video or where exactly this came from…but I said, “Yes, metaphorically speaking, that is what happens.” Blink. Blink. (Oh yea, your talking to a child not the exercise guru) “Yes, that is exactly how you will find your wife.” I’m praying for his wife already and hope that’s exactly how he finds her…

Stress Equals Change

Welcome back to me! It’s been a long time…things are just busy and it’s difficult to find the time to just sit, think and type all at the same time. But, here I am. The baby is now eight and a half months old and is cruising all over the house and boy is he a big’un! Huge. Not a roly poly type big, but in a dense bones big. He has an incredibly peaceful disposition and crazy smile. Henry is marching fast into the “three’s”. He is as fun as ever and all smiles. I’m sad that he is turning three…it seems to be the bridge age from baby to little boy. I don’t exactly feel ready for that. Luke has turned into a boy overnight…about to turn five and will be in kindergarten in only a few months. He is as big brother as he can be. He is very caring but a touch bossy, but what else is new about first borns (little dig at my big brother). They have all adapted well to Jonah’s arrival…so, with that update, here’s the bad news…I’ve been dieting. I only seem to have the discipline to diet when I’m at work. So, I’ve basically just maintained. I figured it was time to throw in some exercise…so, while checking out some other “mom blogs”…I stumbled onto the video called “The 30-Day Shred” by Jillian Michael’s. I promptly ordered it and OMGa! It’s been three days and I can barely sit down. I could barely get through it the first day and I was only on level one and it was only 25 minutes long!
Jillian is quite the trainer and I can say, it’s probably the only exercise video that goes by pretty quick and is actually motivating. On the first day, I was sweating profusely and literally huffing and puffing and Jillian says (paraphrased), stress brings change. She is talking about how the killer squats create stress on your body, which brings the changes you want. I’m not sure why but this comment has been stuck in my head for days now…not just because I am shuffling around the workplace like a little old lady today but it’s really kind of profound. I can’t think of any stressful time in my life where I didn’t come out changed and I would say, 99.5% it was for the better. The stress we are all living in at the moment has been really, really super hard. It’s that pit of the stomach type stress…I really think all this stress will and has already changed the lives of many of us for the better. I read an article yesterday about the items and products that are soaring from this economy…seeds, fishing equipment, macaroni and cheese…people are staying home, eating together and finding ways to have fun without spending much money (and maybe catch dinner while they are at it). Going back to basics is not a bad thing and quite frankly, I think most of us missed the basics anyway. So, I'm trying to embrace the stress and welcome the change!

He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands….

My kids love this song. I remember loving it too. We sing, sing, sing this song over and over and over again…and often! We pretty much name every single person my kids have ever met, every single cartoon character they have ever watched and pretty much every single object within sight. We have also sung about how He has “toot” and “poop” in His hands if that tells you anything, which always gets the biggest chuckle from Mr. Henry. But hey…if He’s got the whole world in his hands…we must acknowledge it all, right?!
I was thinking about this song on the day that I got an e-mail from my dear friend, Pam. Pam is a single mom of two teenagers, she works and she prays. She’s probably one of the most outspoken Christian’s I know…I must admit, she kinda put me off when I first met her…I think it was at the Bayou Kitchen on a crisp fall evening…over a bucket of beers and plate of their famous chicken fried chicken. She loudly asked if she could say grace and proceeded to do so without a second thought of who was at the table or who could hear us…I was so taken aback…in a complete panic, all I could think was, ”WE ARE PRAYING WITH BEERS ON THE TABLE!”, as if we weren’t adults or that we would get into trouble somehow or, heaven forbid, struck down! (Thank God those days of feeling so judged are over)! Lots of time has passed since…I consider her a great friend and incredible woman of God. The e-mail simply read, “I was just laid off.” I’m not sure why this was so different from all the other bad news I’ve heard about friends and family that have lost jobs. But, this one just smacked me in the face. I briefly felt totally hopeless…for her, for me and the state of our world.
I saw Pam the next day…Merriwether and I got together with her to pray…we do this periodically throughout the year. Pam was totally fine. I thought she might be a little bit of a mess, but she was so normal. You know why? Because she believes and knows that she is in the palm of God’s hand. It’s so fine. We prayed for her which was expected...she prayed for both of us, which was unexpected. There was peace in all her conversation…I’m sure she’s curious about what’s next, but there’s not the angst there. He’s got her and world in his hands. Sing it!
Psalm 91: 1-4 (The Message Bible):
“You who sit down in the High God’s presence, spend the night in Shaddai’s shadow, Say this: “God you are my refuge. I trust in you and I’m safe!” That’s right – he rescues you from hidden traps, shields you from deadly hazards. His huge outstretched arms protect you – under them you’re perfectly safe; his arms fend off all harm.”

All my Dreams Have Come True....

Luke woke early, early Saturday morning and crept into our room, hopped in our bed, gave me a cuddle and whispered in my ear, "Mommy, I had a dream last night that I swung higher on my swing then I ever did and I got on it all by myself..." "Neat...", I said drowsily, "…now let’s go back to sleep...it's still nighttime." He didn't. He wanted to talk about the swing...so we chatted in a sleepy haze…and finally, he drifted back to sleep and back to his dreams until we were woken up to Henry dragging himself and his very large stuffed bear by the ears for some Saturday morning cartoons. I knew it was going to be a long day. Jon was playing golf with buddies, which means I would have the kids for the day...I wouldn't say I was dreading it, but I just wasn't sure what we would do all day and I was not feeling well on top of that...surely, I had picked up some variety of one of the viruses that had been swirling throughout our house for the last ten days or so. I knew I could probably just put the kids in front of the TV for most of the day, but it's not fair to them and I just don't like doing that...I was frantic for some inspiration! We started with lunch…bologna and peanut butter sandwiches...yup, you heard me right! They were thrilled! This is easy. Little by little, the inspiration began to flow. CHALK PAINT...we cannot go wrong here! I got out the stuff, bundled up the baby and out we went. BIG HIT! Not because they actually painted the sidewalk, but because they decided it would be great to paint the plants, the roots of all the trees and the swing. As they ran back and forth slopping paint on their brushes...they screamed with glee, "This is the greatest day EVER!" Hooray for me. And the day just got better...we did puzzles, cut flowers and put them in water, I taught Luke how to mix paint colors to make new colors (which he assured me he already knew), made cookies together, learned the president and vice president’s names, looked at maps, hopscotch, freeze tag, Frisbee...it was really, really fun. After Henry’s 2 hour nap (score!) the boys begged to go back outside...I put my game face on because I was TIRED, sick and not in the mood. Luke dashed to the swing and I dutifully pushed him as I kept an eye on Henry as he "entertained" the baby. On a whim, I grabbed Luke by the waist walked back, back, back and let go...he swung so high, his eyes got huge and he screamed in delight..."I AM SWINGING HIGHER THEN I EVER DID, MOMMY!" His grin was bigger then ever. I went in and grabbed the camera...trying to capture his moment. My heart was lifted in his happiness because it was so pure. It was getting cold and a little dark so we were packing it all up…Luke begged for one last big swing. My hands were full so I told him to pull up on the rope and wrap his legs around it and just sit down on the swing...unbelievably, he followed my instructions exactly. The realization struck him that he did it by himself, that grin was back.…you could see his chest rise in the pride of his accomplishment, as he swung back and forth, he screamed out without any hesitation about who would hear him, “ALL MY DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE! Mommy! ALLLLL MY DREAMSSSS HAVE COME TTTRRRUUUEEEE!” As a parent, I don’t think I could articulate what his unabashed expression of joy did to me. I was uplifted, I felt better and I couldn’t stop laughing at his happiness. Joy…what a gift from God and what an amazing promise. "These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.” John 15:11

The "Who's Staying Home Stare Down"...

I went back to work in the middle of January...it's been a healthy four weeks and I have not worked a "full week" since I have been back. I feel ashamed about that even though I'm trying not too....sickness, a funeral, snow days...it's really all of out my control. I realize that at the end of the day and on my death bed, I will not say, "Gosh, I JUST wish I could have gone into work that day when Henry, Luke or Jonah was sick or needed me." I just won't. I realize this in every way! It still does not relieve the pressure I put on myself...I have a great boss that understands and wonderful co-workers...but you can't help but think they secretly think you are the worst employee ever! So...around Tuesday of last week, I reminded Jon about Jonah's doctor's appointment to see if he would need to wear a helmet because his head has been a touch misshapen. He thought it was Wednesday, it was Thursday...he can't do Thursday...gggrrr....I guess I will take him (even though I totally wanted to be there for Jonah). I work it out. But here comes the unexpected Friday ordeal...we both knew that Henry was sick when he did this very strange hack cough while we were trying to get him dressed (he was fine 2 minutes before that)and he suddenly looked like he wanted to just bring it all up! We stare at him...but he didn't. Jon looked at me, I looked at him and we just went on...business as usual. It was a Friday...we hyped it up with our Friday Dance and the awesomeness of getting the Friday bagel at Dunkin' Donuts. We just pretended that it was all O.K. I literally thought this, if I brush Henry's teeth and he doesn't throw up...then we're good (because I would totally throw up if someone brushed my teeth and I had a flu bug). He didn't. Whew! Jon comes downstairs...we are all racing around...I stop dead in my tracks and notice that Henry has laid down on the bottom stair (with his bottom in the air, very baby-like) and has fallen asleep. Poor little man. I look at Jon, he looks at me...neither of us speak but you know exactly what we are doing...running through our schedules and thinking..."I CANNOT DO THIS TODAY! It's just not a good day for this." But kids don't know that. Henry wakes up and wonders the house, mind you, he's never said, "I don't feel good" but, as parents, we can just see it. Jon goes directly to his computer...says nothing...I say nothing. I cross my arms and let out a little "break the ice" cough...he looks at me. We stare. I look away...I break the silence, and quietly say, "So, what's your schedule like today?" He assures me that he MUST be at work today...I (ashamed) get mad because so MUST I! We just stare at each other...who is going to give in...we discuss our options, none of which will really work. Again, ashamed...this is what we came up with...take him to daycare and if we get a call that he's sick, then we get a call. Knowing full well that we WOULD get a call. So, off we go...I eyeball Henry in the rear view mirror...almost to Dunkin' Donuts...I hear the loudest, most adult burp ever...I glance back and Henry turns his head to Luke and gives the biggest grin I have ever seen. (Hooray...his tummy was just a little upset...it's over). Luke angrily says, "MOMMY! HENRY JUST BURPED REAL LOUD...THEN HE SMILED AT ME! HE DIDN'T EVEN SAY EXCUSE ME!" I stifled a full on laugh...and then heard another "burp" which was actually a total full on barf! Guh. I text Jon...he calls...he's on his way...he will rearrange his schedule and keep Henry for the day. I love him! He gets it. I ask him if he's going to lose his job and he assures me that it's fine and that he's not going to get fired because his child is sick. He meets me and off they go...I take Jonah and Luke to daycare and head on to work...thinking about Henry....wishing I was with him and could comfort him. Being a working mom is the most difficult thing I have ever done because you just can't please everyone...and no matter what you choose to do...you feel like you are a disappointment to someone...but that's just the way it is.

Psalm 40

I, along with most people, have been pondering the times we are in. It feels like limbo...waiting for it to get better, wondering what will happen, and hoping for the best. What is up with the bail outs, the gas price fluctuation, the cost of chicken alone is astonishing, bankruptcy, job loss...good grief! Not sure if everyone can feel the change, but there seems to have been a seismic shift in our thought process….postponing vacations, cutting coupons, cooking at home, justifying expenses, cutting cable bills, shamelessly asking friends to babysit for free, etc. We are obviously driven by fear in a lot of this…actually they are all things we probably should have been doing a long time ago as a normal best practice. The economic fall has felt slow but the change, at least for my family has been swift. Since I have been back to work, I have had my head down trying to focus on getting into a routine, saving money, wondering why it's so hard to avoid Target, trying to figure out how to cook and managing this extra daycare payment. When I finally looked up…I realized that everyone is doing the same things…somewhere along the line we all got equal.
I have never been one to cut coupons. I always wonder how people have time for all the cutting and planning. Now I know…I have time because I want my kids to go to college and I need food. It does take quite a bit longer...I have about 100 coupons in an envelope. I usually pilfer through my coupons in the middle of the aisle...those wiley little things fall all over the place! My "system" is to move coupons that I am using from one pocket to another. The folks around me are very patient because they are all in the same boat...a fistful of coupons and clogging up aisles wondering if they should buy the name brand or no name brand...one of which is 2 cents cheaper...I vote for name brand especially if it's ketchup (Heinz all the way baby!) So, to remedy this I have purchased the "Couponizer" Coupon Organizer (feel free to chuckle here) which I do realize will be another post completely at some point. We went to dinner at a friend's house...rather then letting them do it all, we all brought something and then discussed all the ways we are trying to save money. Promising to not allow the other to go hungry or homeless if it gets that disastrous, disclosing our "back up plans" and how they involve moving back in with mom and dad...again, we are equal. There's comfort here in friends being equal...admitting that it's kinda scary.
Being inundated with financial fear at every turn is hard, but honestly, in my heart...I am completely at peace. I know in my heart of hearts that my God will help me when I call. This is where things aren't so equal because for those people that don't believe...all they have is themselves and that is a scary place to be. Which brings me to Psalm 40...prompted by listening to "40" by U2....the first few verses go something like this: "I waited patiently for the Lord he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord." Read it...you will feel better....

The Efficient Multi-Tasker

If I had to describe myself, I would call myself an "efficient multi-tasker"...I mean, it's on my resume and everything. I make lists upon lists...I have a list for the working mornings, the weekend mornings, a grocery list, a weekly and monthly list and even an on-going list of things that hopefully will get done in my life time...oh yeah, I have Jon's list that also falls into the "things I hope will get done in my life time" category. I LOVE to mark tasks off my lists...it's one of my favorite things EVER. I can literally get more done in an hour of time then most people get done in one day and I am not exaggerating. When it was just the baby and me at home I could...clean and fill bottles, get my lunch ready, put a box or two in the attic, fold and put clothes away, throw dirty clothes in the laundry, sweep the floors and vacuum the carpets in just one of the many 15-minute intervals that he slept. When I walk into a room I instinctively do a brief "assessment" of what needs to be done...I rarely walk out of a room in our house without an armful of misplaced objects, toys, or clothes that need to be returned to their rightful places...it's just what I do. I like that I am this way and am a little tickled thinking about it right now because it's a little ridiculous. I will say that some days I am totally thrown off...my focused efficienct behavior becomes more like a muddled hazy wondering...this actually happened to me the other day and it was awful! I was cleaning the bottles and realized in the midst of the washing that there were no paper towels on the paper towel holder. I am not sure why it bothered me so much (probably something to do with the constant need for them), but I stopped what I was doing and headed into the laundry room which is about 8 steps from the kitchen sink. I walked in and immediately noticed that the laundry was done so I took out the dry clothes...and took them to the chair that acts as our clean laundry truck stop...all laundry stops here first...it may stay for an hour or 8 days...it just depends. I walked back through the kitchen and started to finish the bottles...about a minute passed...oh yeah, paper towels, back to the laundry room...oh yeah, the laundry...I put the washed clothes in the dryer and started a new load. Noticed the dogs had no water and rolled back to the sink where the bottles were waiting, filled the bowl, put it aside to finish the bottles...now clean...they need to be filled! Crap...paper towels...off I go to the laundry room with the water bowl....the first thing I see when I walk in is the extremely full recycling bin that can not miss yet another weeks emptying. Out I go through the back door and come in through the front door to be greeted by Henry who needs juice immediately...and in 2 year old fashion, he needs to do it all himself...he has to open the fridge door, get the juice out by HIMSELF because he's so big, tell me how strong he is and then spill it all over the floor...of course, I reach for a paper towel...ggggrrrr....I grab the last clean cloth towel and sop it all up and then console the "big boy" that is so sad over spilled juice...never knew I would ever say out loud, "There's no use in crying over spilled juice." After various other distractions and spills I went BACK to the laundry room to get the freaking paper towel roll...of course, by now, yet another load of laundry was ready for the truck stop. After loading the ever present clothes into the washer I find myself staring at the "catch all" shelf wondering what in the world I am doing in the laundry room...oh yeah...I must tidy this place up...after much irritating organizing, I find the last paper towel roll in the house and bring it to it's home on it's holder. Realizing that we cannot live without paper towels, I head out to Target to get more paper towels....also on my list is toilet paper...in my obvious haze,I thought I was buying paper towels and toilet paper, but much to my surprise I had purchased 2 ginormous packs of paper towels. I now have 32 rolls of paper towels in my laundry room and trip over them constantly as a reminder that I may not be the most efficient muli-tasker that I know...

My Grandmother

We received the sad news that my grandmother died on Saturday. I was not surprised to get the call because her health had deteriorated significantly over the last year, but I was deeply saddened by the news. I wouldn't say we were as close as some people are with their grandmothers, I'm not really sure why but I loved her dearly and feel the weirdest void. She lived most of her life in the tiniest mountain town...she was born, grew up, married, raised her kids and will be buried there. She was born in 1914 (yes, 1914!), she was 94 (yes, 94!)...that is a good long life! The year that she was born...women could not vote, Woodrow Wilson was president and World War I started. She did not really know much about cell phones, computers, DVR or e-mail...I often wonder what she thought of all that...wonder what she thought of the day-to-day when she was 40. What a truly amazing time to have lived...WWI, WWII, Vietnam, The Great Depression, the Civil rights movement, all the great eras from the 10's to the 00's. Wow...imagine all the medical, social and technological advances in that time span. It's truly an amazing thing to ponder. I have vivid childhood memories of the summers we spent at her house with my siblings and cousins. We literally ran free in the woods behind her house, ate mounds of "Bottle Caps", drank coke in bottles with peanuts in it, played cards, ate mints from glass candy jars, tried desperately to retrieve the silver dollar in the stairs out back, ate Spaghettio's at the little table in her kitchen, shucked corn and snapped peas, swam in the Dan river and the lake at Hanging Rock state park. The day after Thanksgiving we would have open faced turkey sandwiches with cheese on it cooked in the toaster over. The first snow I ever remember was at her house at Christmas. We always walked to the gas station to buy candy, roamed the town to our hearts content, went to the library and went in and out of the courthouse as we pleased...she knew everyone and everyone knew us because of her. I distinctly remember sleeping there because it was so eerily quiet and outside the back bedroom window was a street light. I used to wake up in the middle of the night and just stare at it...it comforted me. Interestingly enough, I now have a street light outside my bedroom window and whenever I wake up...I ALWAYS think of her house and the bedroom..I literally have the exact same feelings as I did at 10 years old. One thing that always struck me about her was that she really knew how to be quiet...she could sit for hours with someone and just enjoy the company without ever really having to talk. This characteristic was lost on me...I felt awkward in the silence and never really quite understood it until I have reflected on it the last day or two, that it wasn't about the "talk" for her...it was all about the time spent. She will be missed...

Hanging Rock State Park

Working mom epiphany...

I was sitting on my stoop this week (freezing) contemplating my "working mom dilemma"...since the day I took Luke to daycare four years ago, I have always felt unbelievable moments of overwhelming guilt...multiply that by 3 and you get lots and lots of very weird guilty moments. I get through it...it doesn't last long and I can completely justify being a working mom on so many levels...it works for me and it works for our family...nobody else makes me feel guilty about it...it's all me. But when it weighs heavy, it weighs very heavy...it's funny how as a working mom, I glamorize the stay at home mom's life...sleeping in, hanging out in pj's all day, playing games with the kids who are always so polite and delightful...but I know it's not really like that. I know many stay at home mom's that question themselves...they wonder if they are happy and wonder if they are really contributing to the family (because it's hard to see that sometimes in the day-to-day)...so, I'm really not alone...it's difficult no matter what. But on this particular day, I was feeling...for lack of better words...totally defeated....feeling like a bad person for actually enjoying work after 4 days cooped up in the house with everyone. Asking myself...Am I doing the right thing for my kids? Will they hate me for working? How can I do the right thing and what is the right thing? Obviously, the only thing for me to do here is to pray for some clarity...because I am so tired of feeling these feelings and just don't do well with unanswered questions. As I was lost in my thoughts...I actually heard these words...(some of you might not believe it's God...but I totally think it was because it was clear as day) "It does not say anywhere in the Bible that woman should not work." I was dumbstruck for a moment and then the craziest memory came to my mind. When I was a senior in high school...I was sitting in the bleachers on "Senior Award Day" with my best friend, Allison. We were talking about the crazy antics that would go on at our senior beach trip in Myrtle Beach a few days away. In the distance, I heard something familiar...it was my name! My name was being called for an award...totally shocked...I met the eye of my home economics teacher standing at the podium..she was beaming...I went down red-faced to receive the unknown award...turns out it was the "Virtuous Woman" award. (I went to a Christian School so this is totally appropriate). The award was based on the woman described in Proverbs 31...which is a description of a woman of great virtue(obviously). Now mind you, I was 18 years old...I re-read this passage later to try and figure out why I even got this award and I clearly could not relate...this woman had kids and a husband, not to mention, she just seemed so OLD! It did not apply to me in any way whatsoever....I was young and FREE! However, I have thought about this award and the passage many times through my 20's and 30's...never feeling like I lived up to "her" or even that I ever possibly could. I am actually pretty sure I used the $50 bond that came with the award to pay an electricity bill after college...I mean, you gotta do what you gotta do (kicking myself now for not re-investing it...not so "virtuous woman"). Anyway, after God pointed out this truth to me on my front stoop and this memory appeared so clearly in my mind, I once again re-read the dreaded Proverbs 31 perfectly wonderful Virtuous Woman that I totally believed would never apply to me, but as it turns out, I am her in a lot of ways...very interesting. It suddenly not only applied to me but to every woman out there that I know...read it. She was quite the woman! Obviously, there are some things I need to work on...but this is what it says about her (taken from the Message Bible) "She's up before the dawn, preparing breakfast for her family and organizing her day..." (this is totally me), "She looks over a field and buys it, then, with money she's put aside, plants a garden." (sounds like she was in real estate and horticulture, I am not, but clearly, she worked). "First thing in the morning, she dresses for work, rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started. She senses the worth of her work, is in no hurry to call it quits for the day" (totally me...except for the 'is in no hurry to call it quits' part), "She doesn't worry about her family when it snows; their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear." (just proved this last week...I didn't "mend" any clothes but I did buy Luke a new warm jacket for the snow day, still applies), "She designs gowns and sells them, brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops." (she's in fashion...again, not me, but I can shop with the best of them...also, more proof here that she worked), "Her children respect and bless her; her husband joins in with words of praise." (my children and husband bless me beyond measure). Some things to work on here..."When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say, and she always says it kindly" (the part about "always says it kindly" here gets me tripped up), "She's skilled in the crafts of home and hearth, diligent in homemaking." (I would definitely not say I was "skilled" in the craft of homemaking, which would explain my total surprise when I got this coveted award, but I am always working on it). So there you have it...easy...it totally applies to me! Hooray. In all of this, I realize, yet again, why I am a Christian. I receive a very perplexing award 22 years ago that comes to mind in a moment when I feel broken...that is what He does...He makes our burden light in our time of need so we can focus on what's actually important and reminds us that He really is in control. What a gift...Proverbs 31...read it.

Our kids will never know...

I know I am writing 2 posts in under 30 minutes, but I must comment on the inauguration that happened on this snowy day in January. In the South, snow is either just barely enough to shut down the city or unpredictably too much and everyone is completely unprepared for it...today, it was just enough for us Southerners to not only shut down every school in a 100 mile radius but made us vulnerable (again) to every Northerners never ending jokes about how silly we are when it comes to weather...sigh! . Needless to say, daycare was closed (yet another guilt piled on to the working mom coming off of maternity leave, but that's another post altogether)...literally, the kids sledded for about an hour total and then it melted. BUT, I did get to watch this historic Inauguration in the comfort of my home...which was truly an incredible sight. I was very sad for the way Bush went out because I think he is a good man with a heart for God and I pray that his decisions will be redeemed in his lifetime. That being said, I am saying all of this about a man I didn't even vote for or that I agree with politically...regardless, I was completely and profoundly touched by the sight of millions of people in Washington and all over the nation glued to their TVs to see the first African American sworn into office. Wow! I don't think I have ever been prouder of our country or loved the United States more. I believe the whole scene sent a very positive message to the world. I have often wondered what it was like for my parents to be in college in Greensboro during the height of the Civil Rights movement and watching Martin Luther King on TV...I think today I know. What spoke louder to me then anything else about the event is that I realized that my children will never know, think or wonder why an African American or any minority cannot be the President of the United States. Hopefully, this is a true turning point in the generation that comes behind us because they literally will not know any different. It was as if the worldview shifted for a second. Even better, try as we might to get the kids to watch...they were just blissfully unaware of it all...as a matter of fact, Luke told me that I could watch the "football game" in the other room...to him, it was just another screaming crowd. I'm glad really that they were unaware...because for them, hopefully, the moment will not be as historical for them...it will just be the way it is and should be...My prayer for Barack is that he will seek God's wisdom in all he says and does...

MLK Weekend

Wow...what a weekend. This weekend has marked our laziest weekend ever since we have had kids. It was cold out, we had firewood and enough food to feed an army. It sounds like we were out on the prairie or something...we weren't on the prairie but we were almost reclusive, which was actually really nice in a lot ways. I have recently made a couple of decisions about our lifestyle based on the economy, the now HUGE weekly daycare check and our general over indulgence over the past few years...it's well over time to rein it all in...I'm inspired by a friend who has decided to see if her family can live on a food budget of $100.00 per month (I mean, do kids really eat that much at 4 and 2 anyway. Ha!). For us, we don't do formal budgets very well...it's kinda like losing weight...I don't need a scale...how my jeans fit tells me enough! Just looking at my check book balance plummet and my heart sinking that we have 10 days left until pay day and all we spent it on was food is enough to tell me that we need to do something about it. Anyway, so, I have decided that we need to hunker down for the winter...eat in and use the stock pile of food in our freezer and pantry until it runs out...which will probably be somewhere around 2011. As of today, we have eaten almost every meal in or taken our lunch for every meal for 10 days...it's been "great". There are obviously upsides and downsides to every major decision...
upsides:
*family time around the table
*obviously, the checking account balance
*cleaner car as there are not crumbs from every fast food place known to man strewn throughout
*not having the temptation to roll into Target and spend another $100 "on our way to eat"
*fulfilling my resolution to cook more and get better at it
*being creative
*cutting out the completely irritating screams that come from the back seat when the sausage biscuit falls apart
downsides:
*too much family time around the table because little kids really love to draw it all out by standing up, arguing and just plain trying to get out of eating all together
*running the dishwasher over and over
*much more spilled milk, but who's crying over it? that would be me...the cleaner upper
*the "life lessons" that turn into battles such as the one I had with Henry last night about how you are not allowed to tell your potato to "shut up" because you don't like it...we just don't use those words!
*there's just a lot more trash when you are home more...as if we did not have enough already
*the amount of free condiments has been completely wiped out
Overall though, it's been great and I am now on a rampage...I noticed that I told Jon that the kids were "allowed" to eat McDonald's tonight...Did I say that out loud? But really, if you think about it, that's what eating out was for us when we were kids...it was a treat...just like when Donny and Marie came on once a week...it was EXCITING! So if you don't see us out and about...come join us at the dinner table...

Crock Pot Love...

Am totally in love with my crock pot and we have mended our relationship. I "made" completely wonderful BBQ chicken. It was so, so good...so happy to be back together with my crock pot. Now, I did pick Luke up from daycare and very excitedly told him that we were having his fav...BBQ Chicken. He just looked at me and said, "I don't remember liking BBQ Chicken." I said beaming, "You do like it and if you don't remember, you certainly will!" I went on to remind him of our trip to Traci's and how much he loved it when she made it, etc...he didn't seem to recall and I'm not kidding when I say that this kid remembers EVERYTHING! When we got home...sat down to dinner...he looked at it...put an insty teentsy piece on his fork...raised it to his lips and said..."I really don't remember liking this." He tried a few more teeny pieces and said, "I am pretty sure that I don't like BBQ Chicken now." ***Sigh*** Oh well...at least my crock pot loves me again...all is well.

"Curses!..."

I don't really believe in curses, but I love to say that word out loud rather then cuss...it's just so...funny but harsh and simpsonlike. Like I said, I don't really believe in curses BUT there are a few things that really seem to "get me"...I can name 2...there is a restaurant in Charlotte that I love...it's kinda Tex Mex and the food is fresh and yummy. Like a lot of restaurants on this street there is limited parking and it's busy. One time I went briefly to meet friends and left after, thankfully, one margarita. I backed smack into a girl who was pulling in. It took me months to go back...the last time I went there for a three hour lunch (because you can do that on maternity leave), which was recent (and with the baby), I came out to a shoe boot on the car. I had no cash and had to hoof it three blocks and back with the baby to the ATM in order to get it freed. I have vowed to never go there again, especially if I drive. The second thing that seems to get me is the crock pot. I know how wonderful these things are, but lets just say...crock pots don't seem to like me. The first time I used one was about two weeks after I got married...trying to be the dutiful wife that can whisk up fabulous recipes for dinner...I tried some random chicken recipe...I also had no idea what I was doing...I think I left it on high or didn't have enough water in it. Rather then coming home to a beautifully orchestrated dinner prepared so easily by his loving wife...Jon rolled into the house and was welcomed by rancid stinky chicken aroma. It was awful and I felt bad...up went the crock pot for a much, much later time. In the past year, I have some girlfriends at work who insisted it was just as easy as pie to cook in a crock pot and I had only made one mistake AND since I was pregnant with my 3rd baby then I should really get to know it again. Instead of just pulling out the old crock pot whom I blamed for the horrid experience...I went out and bought a fantastic new crock pot with all the bells and whistles...I took their advice and tried again with a very simple spaghetti type recipe...came home to completely burned marinara. I mean it was black and crusted to the bottom! It also stunk up the place. I cleaned the thing, ordered pizza and said, never again...the brand new crock pot was ordered to storage and would hopefully be sold for 25 cents at a yard sale in the very near future (heck, I would just give the thing away). Yet...a very good friend of mine told me about a BBQ Chicken recipe that could not go wrong! She told me about it months ago...I ignored her because I knew the history behind my relationship with the crock pot. BUT at our fabulous spa weekend, I must have gotten delirious from the massage because I asked her about it again and decided I would try, try again. How hard can it really be...so, after getting home at 7 and racing around...I went to pluck the new banished crock pot from obscurity in the laundry room. All I could think about was how fabulous my BBQ chicken was going to be and my kids love this stuff and I want to be their hero....then it happened...yet another sign that the crock pot is probably not the best idea. The glass lid slid off the top and literally smashed into a trillion little pieces right in the spot where all living things go barefoot in my house...between the laundry room and kitchen door! CURSES! We have a lot of bare feet in our house and this just proves that I should probably not be doing this! I cleaned, cleaned and cleaned up glass from all over...yelled at the kids for looking at the glass as their eyeballs might burn out at the mere sight of it then ordered them to put their shoes on. Afterward, I fell on the couch, hugged my baby and remembered where my old crock pot was that has a very simple plastic lid...hooray. All is not lost and I will not give up this fight. So, tomorrow awaits...I'm 40 now...surely I can make a meal in this thing! I really want my crock pot to love me....we shall see...

Incredibly Fantastic Birthday Weekend

In my tirade yesterday, I completely forgot to mention my absolutely perfect 40th Birthday weekend at Pinehurst Spa with my dearest friends...I could go on and on about the spa, the rooms, the grounds, the customer service...but when it is all said and done we could have been in a paper box on the side of the road and I would have had a grand time because I was with seven of the people I know that probably know me best. They all make up a piece of my heart and I love them all for it. Cheers to you girls! Oh...must give a shout out to my husband who graciously and without any complaint kept all three boys (with a little help from his mom). I was floored when he bravely took all three to Walmart by himself! I received tons of text messages that comforted me for not being there and assured me that I should just have fun! ...I also got lots and lots of pictures! Thank you Jon...only 10 years to 50 (YIKES!).

OH MY GA....

After a splendid, blissful birthday spa weekend with all my favorite friends...the day to go back to work has come and gone. Let's just say I was GROSSLY ill prepared for getting myself and 3 kids ready for this day...it all started around 3 am when the baby got restless...Henry came rolling in our room around 3:30 am with an armful of stuffed animals and books then Luke followed around 4:00 am ready to watch some of his "shows" (he's 4 and has "shows")..at 5:30 am I rolled out of bed, showered and went down to make the coffee (thinking at this moment that I really need to figure out how to get this machine to auto make my coffee but only if it could load the coffee, filter and water by itself but who really has time to read the instructions), got bottles labeled, put in a load of laundry, raced upstairs, got dressed, put on make up (which was nowhere to be found until I remembered it was still in my suitcase), raced back down for my very much needed cup of coffee. The filter wasn't in just right and I could hear a very unusual gurgle sound and knew this was going to be the beginning of a crazy day. I cussed and then restocked the coffee maker, raced back up the stairs to get the kids dressed...after the big clothing struggle...we all made it downstairs, had breakfast, brushed teeth, got sippy cups and seemingly packed up the entire house to head to daycare. I stopped myself as I raced through a yellow light on the way and wondered why I was rushing...I touched Jonah's little head as I drove and decided to go the long way and take my time....it was good...the drop off was fabulous. His teacher was sweet to him and the boys smothered him with love before we went to their classes...the beauty here is that they are all together, we are known there at daycare and everyone understood it was a difficult day for me. I had a few weepy moments on the way to work but I walked in and people treated me as if I had never left. Very weird, but good. The minute the clock ticked to 5:00 pm...the race was on! I literally fast-walked to my car, drove like a crazed maniac to get to daycare...got Luke and Henry (totally rushed them to leave their rooms) and raced to get Jonah...I walked in and he just grinned...I noticed that he was so content...the teacher LOVED him and said he had a great day! Relief washed over me. Off we went home...Jon was working late....I got dinner ready, did puzzle with Henry, begged the kids to eat with forks and to remember say grace as I fed baby. Sidebar here...Luke at dinner said, "Wouldn't it be great if we had a new baby girl [envision my shocked face here trying to stay totally calm] because then I could teach Henry to tie his shoes, Henry could teach Jonah to tie his shoes and then Jonah could teach the baby girl to tie her shoes?"...No lie...I stared at him thinking...um, no that would not be great at this moment....(but it was really sweet for him to think of it in that way...thought he might also ask me how babies are made so I left the room for a minute while they ate together and discussed shoe tying), cleaned bottles, put a load of laundry in, folded clothes, washed dishes, emptied dishwasher, reloaded dishwasher, secretly wished I could kick dishwasher, picked up toys, went to the grocery store with baby, raced through the grocery with very stinky baby (of course!), got home and unpacked groceries, talked/grunted at wonderful husband about first day back...it was time for the kids to go to bed, held baby, ...another load of laundry, made bottles, got lunch ready for tomorrow, brushed kids teeth, Jon took kids to bed, filled out Luke's reading list, cleaned up dinner, cleaned kitchen, put stuff in the car....it's 11:00 pm and I am just sitting down, still in my work clothes...my massage yesterday seems like such a distant memory...will begin again in only 6 hours! OH MY GA!

It was a good day...

Am feeling much better then my melancholy day yesterday about going back to work...I talked to my boss for a while...got out of my pajamas...had some good coffee. There really is something to just getting out of bed. Jon told me on Monday that he had planned to take Wednesday, Thursday, Friday off...my initial thought (sorry Jon) was "why?" I mean, it's my last week, I want to be alone in my thoughts of misery and going back to work and seeing Jonah's sad face when I give him up to someone else to be with him for the bulk of the day. I wondered why he didn't get that...BUT, it's a lot harder to stay in bed and wallow in misery when someone else is around...I fought the desire to just lay in bed this morning and let Jon do all the work of getting Luke and Henry ready to go and to deal with all that comes with that. Instead, I got up, showered, got the boys ready and took them to school leaving Jon to "sleep in" with Jonah (saying "sleep in" here because Jonah was wide awake after all the carrying on). The boys and I prayed for their day and off we went...got back still kinda irritated that there was another body in the house...Jon left to take care of something and I suddenly missed him and wished he was here with us...God in all his wisdom showed me that Jonah needs Jon too. I really want to hog him to myself and be alone with it all, but Jon plays probably a bigger role in his life because he's the dad and dad's are as important if not more important then the Moms. When Jon got back...off I went to detail clean out our van...now, most people would grunt and groan over this, but I LOVED IT! I had 2 hours alone while Jon watched the baby and I contemplated how long the little shriveled up Cheerios had been in our car. I was also contemplating an article I read in Cookie Magazine yesterday called "What not to worry about" by Lori Leibovich which was so timely...again in all God's wisdom... what not to worry about...#1 "I don't spend enough time with my kids"....to quote..."Also, resist the urge to compare yourself to the cookie-baking mothers of misty memories. According to a 2007 University of Maryland study, working moms today spend the same amount of time with their kids as stay-at-home moms did in the 1970s...." So, there you go...I was born in 1969 and my mom stayed home...I'm OK...so they will be OK. Now, #2 spoke louder in my ear then anything else..."My messy house is bad for my children"...again debunked..."...there are potential cognitive benefits of a disorderly house." Hooray for me! "When you work or play in a messy space, you get to 'see a lot of things in one place, which can bring about random stimulation', say Freeland. 'That's a big part of stimulation.'" Hooray again! I feel 10 times better about all of this...to top it all off...Henry came home with a necklace and the sign around his neck said, "Henry used the potty today!" See...I have a husband that loves me, a great job and the end of pull-ups are just around the corner (at least for a bit)...it was a great day and all I had to do was get out of bed...

All good things must come to an end...

What a crazy, crazy 2008...it's so crazy that it's hard to even think of what some resolutions might be as we have no idea of what's really to come. At least we had a nice long Christmas, New Year and I am still celebrating the big 4-0! My wonderful husband celebrated 10 days of "Dawnakah" for my birthday. I received 10 days of gifts since the day after Christmas up until January 3rd...who knew he was so clever. Went out to dinner one night and met friends at a local bar on Saturday. The topper is this weekend...spending 2 nights - no kids - at a spa with 7 of my best friends! The downer...on Monday, my glorious 16 weeks of maternity leave is coming to a fast close...I'm sad, but not devastated...I actually enjoy my job so that takes the sting out of it some. My heart breaks at the thought of Jonah's face as I leave him at daycare. The upside here is that I know it's coming and will come prepared with my entire make up bag and some tissue for the ride into work. It's been a great run...I got to know my sweet baby that has a wonderful disposition and an intoxicating giggle. I also got a lot done that now doesn't really matter much but I didn't do too much and really enjoyed the time. The Tupperware cabinet that I cleaned out in September is a mess again. The attic is even messy and I cleaned that out too. It's OK though...one thing I have learned from baby #3 is that you can only do what you can do...it's all going to get messy again anyway so no need to stress over it. I mean...my one major indulgence is that we have a maid that comes once a month...she was here yesterday and the house was immaculate...but as I walked on the kitchen floor this morning in bare feet...I stepped squarely on a 2 year olds cracker trail and a nice patch of sticky juice from a leaky sippy cup on my way to the sink...so, all the over cleaning will seriously need to come to an end. Needless to say, I am spending the day today in my PJ's...all day...just hanging out and holding the baby, watching movies and eating to my hearts content. Jon has come up with some ideas of "things" for me to do this week...I just stare at the man...sometimes, I really think they don't get it...but he means well and that's what matters. As I contemplate going back to work and the new year...my goals are to:
1) stop cleaning so much
2) give people hope for the future whenever possible
3) play on the floor with my kids when they ask and stop saying "give me a second and I will play with you" when I really mean "give me 20 minutes" because usually the moment passes and they move onto other things
4) pray
5) finish the 5 books that are half started on my night stand
6) cook more...rather, learn to cook better
7) have more date nights
8) remember the importance of having, giving and receiving grace
I think 8 is a good number...anyway Happy Belated New Year...it's going to be a good one....back to my movie...